"Dari mana datangnya waktu?", tanyamu. 

Kata orang, waktu lahir dari rahim seorang ibu yang ditinggalkan suaminya. Waktu tiada berayah, cuma beribu. Dan ibunya pula seorang pelacur yang saban hari bertenggek di lorong-lorong kecil belakang pasar raya lama, mengharapkan ada penagih-penagih dengan wang lebih datang berkunjung. Ibunya tidak memilih, asalkan esok harinya perutmu terpenuh.

Kata yang seorang lagi, waktu seperti Isa. Tidak ada lelaki yang mampu menanggung waktu kerana mereka tiada kesabaran itu. Ibu... hanya ibu yang cukup cekal untuk mengandungkan waktu kerana setiap ibu dilahirkan dengan seorang kembar--cinta. "Apakah lelaki bukan makhluk pencinta?", tanyamu lagi. "Mereka hanya haiwan; dilahirkan untuk merenggut kecintaanmu terhadap yang lain."

Kemudian mencelah pula yang seorang lagi, waktu tiada beribu atau berayah. Waktu berdiri di atas kakinya sendiri. Bahkan, tambahnya, waktu hanya hadir ketika masa lampau tiada lagi tertinggal di belakang; ia mengejarmu.

Dan kaupun berlari, dan berlari, dan terus berlari... sehingga sampai pada hela nafasmu yang penghabisan, kau lantas memeluknya.

Waktu yang diam-diam berlalu; tiada pernah dicanangkan. Mungkin oleh sekalian orang, tetapi tidak waktu itu sendiri. Kata orang, mereka yang tertinggal oleh waktu tidak mungkin lagi bersama-sama kita--di ketika ini, atau di hadapan. Dan kehilangan waktu turut mengusung beban masa lalu yang tak terungkap. "Bagaimana pula dengan mereka yang ditelan waktu?", tanyamu. "Mereka itu", jawab si tua, " ialah orang-orang yang hanya mampu menemukan dirinya lewat persinggungan dengan tempat-tempat yang menyimpan waktu-yang-abadi."

Dalam redup matamu:

yang sayu;

yang tiada rasa;

yang tersinggung oleh waktu

Tapi masih menyimpan bara;

hangat masa lampau yang makin pudar

Tapi masih bersinar terang;

beransur malap, bagai bulan dikejar awan

Aku jadi galau

serigalamu seakan mahu menerpa.

Siapa gerangan empunya

bibirmu yang mekar membunga suria;

tiada teduh

hangat.

Dan senyum di ekor matamu?

2020

Amat jarang sekali (jujurnya tak pernah berlaku) untuk saya menyelesaikan sesebuah tulisan baik dalam apa bentukpun. Pertamanya, kerana saya fikir tidak ada keperluan untuk diselesaikan tulisan itu. Boleh jadi, sudah ada orang yang menulisnya. Atau tentu saja, ia tidak cukup memuaskan hati. Selalunya, yang kedua.

Saya secara diam-diam kagum dengan mereka yang ada keupayaan untuk menyiapkan apa yang dimulakan. Sudah tentu dalam hal ini ia merujuk kepada pertukangan kata. Bahkan, lebih kagum dengan mereka yang begitu berani menerbitkan tulisannya atas nama sendiri. Itu sebuah tanggungjawab yang jarang-jarang diperkirakan; macam orang politik berebut nak jadi YB.

Tidak ada apa yang hendak dituliskan di sini. Ya, masalah besar bagi saya ialah ada terlalu banyak resah sampaikan tidak tahu ke mana ia hendak disalurkan, atau apa yang hendak diceritakan.

Cuma memberi khabar dan menambah sisipan 2020 di tepi laman.

the purest instinct

It is not the self that changes; the similar, the unique.

The self is not something that requires others to acknowledge its identity. Self-identity is a mixture, a blend, of the many contrasting affiliations, each unknowingly wrestle with each other, contesting for control.

Nonetheless, the self should not be mistaken with the representation of the self. What we call the need for recognition is but merely a representation with which the self, whether consciously or unconsciously, fabricates to allow it to serve its societal function.

As for him, he truly believes that there is nothing absolute in life. There is no absolute right or wrong. Rather, there are only things that seem relatively right or wrong. There is no such thing as an absolute. And as he often says to me, "This world does not and will never revolve around your expectations."

I couldn't handle the truth back then. His words have shattered my naive belief that heroes exist. And evils shall perish under the ray of light.

But what of evil itself? Of good? 

Evil is a concept, a notion, that does not exist in the natural world but is intimately tied with legends and religions. The same goes for good. When a lion hunts, kills, and eats an antelope, the lion itself is not evil. It is simply the order of the nature where the strong preys on the weak. There is no moral here. There is only the survival of the fittest.

I think the same thing can be said regarding the human condition. Hobbesians believe that the human nature is corrupted at its core. In simple word, humans are born evil. Without any law to restrain them, humanity will perish. Individuals would live fearing their neighbours. Societies would ceased to function.

Nevertheless, Hobbessian's belief is true insofar as the modern nation-state is concerned. By this, it also means the capitalist mode of production as well as it means and relations. A society built from this kind of system lacks imagination. Or rather, they are too preoccupied with and disillusioned by the many representations offered by determined choices. They are trapped in their own illusions of freedom. 

Such society is driven by desires. And desires would mean scarcity, which in turn means insecurity and instability, which in turn gives birth to inferiority or superiority. This is the foundation of our present society. And it is controlled and regulated by laws. We are too conditioned by the law, and determined by the structures that exist only with the presence of that law until we can't seem to think beyond the very law that we created.

Thus, we read dystopian novels. We watch dystopian movies. Each and every one of them would portray the chaos that arrives with the absence of laws. There will be no order whatsoever. And humanity will be reduced to a mindless creature, an existence without any kind of determination. The portrayal of a dysfunctional society deprived of laws symbolises evil, for chaos is the very representation of evil.

To maintain order, humanity is compelled to place values onto everything that they do so as to allow its society to survive. In this regard, evil cannot be defined in scientific terms. It is merely the fruit born of human illusions.

Yet, this doesn't mean that there is no other way to approach this problem. There is still the option of the valueless and amoral natural world. But it is also a law of a sort. And with our contaminated mind due to the long exposure to capitalism, we may not be able to return to the state of pure survival instinct void of any moral notion.

It is a question I wish to inspect further.

and if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into thee

At some point in your life, you will encounter individuals with which their presence would suggest danger, or at least indecency, as if something loose and carnal might happen to you if you just hold their gaze long enough. And at that point, it will rests on you and you alone to decide, whether to fully embrace the creature of the abyss and drown yourself in the sea of lust or to reject them, with every ounce of rational thought you could muster in you, wholeheartedly and let your innocent life strides in its ignorance. For the encounter with the creature is a rare opportunity. Indeed not many of us would have the courage to lock gaze with it. And even less so to allow the creature to touch our vilest desire that we have kept secured from the people closest to us.