'kewujudan kita adalah keterlanjuran untuk hidup'

Sejauh keimanan dicanangkan, tidak ada lagi yang benar-benar merangkul kemurnian tujuannya. Iman--seperti apa yang mereka dakwa--adalah saduran; palit-palit yang menutup kebuasan kekuasaan. Petang tadi ketika menunggu masuknya waktu, masing-masing antara kami dilontarkan dengan persoalan tujuan--sebab, punca, atau apa saja yang menentukan letak-duduk seseorang.

Salah seorang temanku mengamati tujuan, atau apa yang teman seorang lagi bahaskan sebagai cause, sebagai titik asal-mula kejadian. Kelahiran, kewujudan, dan kehidupan kita adalah kesan daripada sebab tersebut. Kelahiran kita adalah disebabkan oleh persetubuhan ibubapa kita, kelahiran ibubapa kita adalah hasil persetubuhan ibubapa mereka, dan begitulah seterusnya. Hal yang serupa juga, bagi saya, tertanam dalam tatanan masyarakat. Nilai-nilai yang kita anuti merupakan hasil hubungan-hubungan rencam yang berlangsung pada ketika ini--yang tidak dapat tidak, adalah jelaga dari masa lalu.

Kewujudan digerakkan oleh kerinduan akan Sebab-yang-Tunggal. Sepanjang hidupnya, manusia akan terus-terusan menggali asal-mula kejadiannya, sampai kepada sebuah sebab yang tidak dapat lagi dijelaskan sebabnya. Ramai antaranya yang berpuas hati dengan Tuhan sebagai jawapan. Benarkah?

Daya gerak seorang manusia termaktub dalam hubungannya dengan alam materialnya. Justeru, jika Tuhan itu berdiri atas keluhuran material, maka saya akan menerimanya dengan sukacita. Namun, Tuhan sering diletakkan sebagai ketinggian yang tidak mungkin dicapai; dan apa yang lebih mengecewakan, ia dikelubungkan dengan jenaka-jenaka tidak masuk akal perawi-perawi palsu.

Apakah Tuhan itu wujud? Pada saya, ianya bergantung kepada bagaimana anda menanggapi Tuhan itu sendiri.

Tuhan, untuk saya, ialah segala sesuatu yang mendorong saya untuk terus langsung. Ia tidak bersemayam dalam menara angan-angan melainkan berjejak bersama kita di alam yang serba nyata ini. Seperti ketikanya saya tersungkur dengan sebuah kehilangan, yang memapah saya kembali bukanlah Tuhan yang diangan-angankan dalam mimpi, melainkan Tuhan yang sentiasa hadir dalam kewujudan-kewujudan di sekeliling saya.

of trust, misfortune, and the love of Anna

Hate; as one would often attach it with a specter of betrayal. A trust once given, now means nothing. And Anna had taught me, that love is always already unconditional, but cease to be one when it hurts too much; so much that the pain--even love could not comprehend.

of colors, the forgotten, and remembering

Red has always been orange

all along; and since when

we started to forget?

That blue was once purple

As white as black 

could be

and as black as white 

had always been.

excerpt from After the Canaries, a fragment in Senora Rodriguez and Other Worlds

Then things began to turn up missing. First it was the milk, and Adela said, after a prolonged "Maam," which made me think she would say no more, "they stole the milk."

"Who?" I asked surprised.

"Someone who is not afraid of God," she said in judgment, terminating her explanation.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Listen... quietly. Can you hear it? No? That's because you are not listening!

Listen again... now, be really careful of what you are listening to. Can you hear it now? What sound does it make?

Yes, yes. A cracking sound, and something is being shattered somewhere. What else?

Very good! There is a stream nearby. Can you hear the birds chirping? Ah, fantastic isn't it?

What can you deduce from here?

Indeed, heaven and hell do coexist!

Who am I? You should be asking the right question. Who are you? I am a what; nothing more.

Now, I am the one who will be asking questions. Listen, what does it sounds like? No, I am not talking about the heartbeat. 

Do not disappoint me. You're the rational one here. Go deeper. Can you hear it?

Ha ha ha. Amusing, isn't it? You should be able to control it by now; I am just a minor character on stage. You have always taken the lead role, are you not?

You do not show me to the world. The courage was never there, and I am glad for that. We cannot let anyone else knows about us. It would be chaos, just like here. Do you have anything to say?

I was thinking about the other day. Since I am the rational one here, I will explain it to you.

Do not take me lightly! Am I not... you?

Silence. It's your turn now. Listen carefully.

Always good with the words, eh? Spill!

Do you remember? We had a pretty real fight that day? One of the many, and I let you win.

Don't be arrogant. You were too weak back then. I almost didn't shed a single sweat. What about it anyway?

Have I been so repressive all the time?

Oh, now only you realized about that? Too late, I think.

Yes, it is too late for that. But what about this one?

She is interesting. I have no objection. But, you are not going to introduce me to her, I suppose?

Probably I would.

Have you gave it a thorough thought? Remember, the last time you introduced me to someone, it was apocalypse. And it was not even half of me!

Ah, she endured, didn't she?

For a while, yes. How about this one? Do you think she can endure me?

I have my faith in her.

You have gotten soft.

I guess so. You almost killed me the last time. The agony that you've been through, I can't separate it from me. It was the first time though.

Ha ha ha. I was in disbelief myself. You were so affected. Is she worth every pain?

She worths every single one of them. Not only back then, but always.

Too late to tell her that. You're really troublesome. What do you want, actually? Do you want to have a go at that again?

Of course not. It is not about us anymore. As much as I am devastated of her, I think I should take your advice now. We should smile for her.

Glad you realize it. Now that we have someone else to put a smile on; and she is mesmerizing! What's her name again?

Luna. As bright as she can be on the outside, her dark side is yet to be unfolded. A mystery that we should dwell into for as long as it takes.

Promise that you will introduce me to her?

Of course. But first, we have to find Luna.

Don't tell me that she doesn't exist?! You've been playing me this whole time?

Ah, don't be furious. Patience will grant us the moon. I need your help to find it.

Now, that's a first. You're actually asking for my help.

After what had happened, I believe we should be working together on this. But rest assured, I have no intention to put you on stage.

You better not. It would cost our dear life.

Ha ha ha.

Oh, you've learned to laugh now?

Shhh. Listen. Can you hear it? The tremor is getting louder. No, not that kind of quake. Life is always already a pile of ironies. Can you guess the sound?

Quite, but not so correct. The historicity of life must be concomitant with the dialectical comprehension of life itself. Many have failed to address both of them as one. Worst, life have been distorted by the pseudo-historical propositions that are actually detaching history itself.

Listen again. Now, that is the sound of a totality, an objectivity. That is the sound of the Truth.

hal-hal picisan

Hidup adalah fragmen-fragmen, pojok-pojok, atau bingkis-bingkis halus yang terbinanya sebuah keseluruhan. Tentu sekali, terlalu asyik pada salah satunya akan membuatkan kita terpelanting jauh dari realiti yang dihidupi--baik terhadap diri sendiri dan mereka yang intim di sekeliling, atau tanggungjawab kita kepada masyarakat. 

Erti, seperti yang diajarkan moden, harus datang sekali dengan kegunaannya. Seseorang, atau sesuatu, akan punya ertinya apabila ia mampu untuk membuatkan dirinya berguna. Lantas penyataan ini membuatkan kita terdiam sejenak. Apakah erti yang dipaksakan ini benar-benar mencerminkan realiti? Nyata, jawapannya begitu jauh dari pengiyaan.

Dalam bingit moden yang mementingkan pemaksaan keberertian ini, fragmen-fragmen kecil kehidupan nyata terpinggir--diredam jauh-jauh, malah didiamkan. Justeru, kebisuan-kebisuan yang berlegar di pinggiran dunia masyarakat terpaksa mencari jalan lain untuk bersuara.

Dan di sudut-sudut tersebut, kebisuan dilaungkan dengan kesunyian yang lantang--yang walaupun tidak sampai kepada ruang-ruang awam masyarakat, tetap saja menggugah kebejatan moden.